Hey! Yes, you. I’d like to have lunch with you today. Care to join me?
Don’t worry, I’ll take care of all the details. I’m planning on making you an awesome sandwich, and maybe some potato chips or something to go with it. How do I know it will be awesome? Because I’m going to let you choose what you want on it. I’ll make sure to bring all fresh ingredients, and I’ll make sure everything is safe and clean. One small catch, though – I don’t want to haul all of this stuff over to your house, so I hope you don’t mind meeting me at a place I rented that’s nice and comfortable. It’s only a few blocks from your house I think, maybe a couple of miles at most.
I’m not sure what you will want on your sandwich, so I’ll be sure to bring a bunch of stuff to suit your mood or dietary preferences and restrictions. I’m cool like that.
Let’s start with bread. I’ll bring white and wheat bread; heck, I’ll even bring some of those pita/flatbread things and some tortillas in case you’d rather call it a wrap. I’ve had to harvest the wheat and process the flour, but I don’t mind. The baking and rolling were the easy part. I’ve been working on this for quite some time. After all, you don’t just ‘come up’ with a lunch this epic off the cuff!
How about meats? I’ll be sure to have turkey, ham, salami, roast beef, pepperoni, bacon, grilled chicken…hopefully that will do it, but I’ll bring some more choices if I think of any. Granted, I’ve had to either go out and hunt these animals or grow them and slaughter them in a humane way that is in accordance with the FDA and all that. I’ve already processed and seasoned all the meats and cooked them, where necessary. This is going to be one hell of a sandwich.
And, how good would a sandwich be without some cheese on there? I’ll be sure to have American, Swiss, Provolone, Mozzarella, Pepperjack (my favorite) and some Cheddar there to suit your taste. Just choose whichever 1 or 2 that you like and we’ll slap ’em on there! It’s taken great effort to harness the milk and endure the pasteurization process, but don’t let that be your concern – the cheese is fresh and ready to enjoy!
What vegetables are you going to want on your sandwich? Not to worry, I should have you covered there, too. I’ve grown and picked and processed the following over the past several months: Cucumbers, Bell Peppers, Lettuce, Red Onions, Spinach, Tomatoes, Banana Peppers, Jalapenos, Olives, Pickles, Avocados, and I’ll even turn some of those into Guacamole if you’re in the mood. I’ll make sure they’ve all been cleaned and sliced up for convenience.
I don’t really like it when my sandwich is dry, so I like to put some kind of sauce on mine – usually some vinaigrette or mustard, but what do you like? Just to be safe, I’ll make sure these are available: mayonnaise, light mayo (in case you want to watch calories), oil, vinegar, yellow mustard, deli mustard, ranch, and every type of salad dressing you can imagine – hey, you might want to skip the bread and turn this thing into a salad for all I know! I’ll also be sure to bring a couple of other sauces to the party that I’ve created with focus groups over the past several years that have assured me they’re very tasty. Some of these sauces took a LOT of effort to put together at just the right consistency, seasoning, and mixture – but, not to worry. Their finishing taste is totally worth it!
So, that should just about do it for the epic sandwich we’re going to create. Surely, you can find something in that assortment of ingredients that will suit your diet and delight your taste buds. We’ll need something to go with it, though… I’m not going to leave you hanging without a ‘side dish’.
How about the age-old, classic sandwich sidekick: potato chips? I’m not sure what you’ll be in the mood for here either, so I’ll bring a lot of choices. And, yes, I know that chips aren’t the best thing for a human diet, so I’ll make sure to have some baked versions and some veggie chips available, too. They won’t just be plain potato chips, either! I’ll get some really cool flavors going: BBQ, cheddar, salt/vinegar, and a bunch of others – about 15 different kinds! We’ve grown a ton of potatoes, sliced them up, baked or fried them, added the seasoning and bagged them up in convenient little portions. All you’ll have to do is gobble them up!
In case your sweet tooth is making its way to the front of the line, like mine often does, I’ll get together a bunch of ingredients and bake up some cookies for dessert. Don’t worry, I’ll make about four or five different kinds, some with nuts, some without – just to make sure allergies are not an issue. They’ll be really tasty, I promise. We’ve had focus groups tell us which ones are the best and how to alter the recipes over the years to ensure they’re some of the tastiest you’ve had in quite a while! Yummy!
Finally, we’re going to need something to wash all of this deliciousness down, aren’t we?! I’ll make sure to have a soda machine on hand with all of the correct syrup and carbonated water hooked up to mix them in accordance with the soda manufacturer’s recipe so you get the good ole’ refreshing cola or other soft drink of your choice in whatever size cup you choose. I’ll have plenty of ice frozen, too, ready to ensure cool drinks. In case soda isn’t your thing, I’ve gone out and grown and harvested the best tea leaves from around the world and made two versions for you: sweetened and unsweet. I’m even playing around with an ‘Arnold Palmer’ concoction where I mix tea and lemonade – it’s pretty tasty! Of course, water is available too, and I’ll ensure that it’s clean – after all, here in the states we have superior municipal systems that ensure fresh, clean, sanitized, and somewhat purified drinking water that is so clean, we get sick when we drink water in other countries! If you’re still reluctant, I’ll even have some bottled, purified water in a cooler for you (although I’ll secretly be thinking that you’re getting awfully picky – hehe). If fountain soda isn’t your thing, I’ll have some bottled options for you as well, no problem. I promise you will not be thirsty!
It’s going to be a fantastic lunch, one that I hope you remember for a long time! I’ll be sure to have people there to serve it professionally with a kind demeanor and a smile on their face. Even if you’re not nice to them, I’ll be sure to tell them to treat you with respect anyway, or reconsider their involvement if they don’t.
Of course, I’m not personally going to gather all of these ingredients and prepare, process, cook and present all of this food myself! Are you crazy?! I think that would be impossible. But, I’ll pay people all across the world to do the heavy lifting for us. I have made connections throughout the years, and have really optimized the chain of supply for lunches like this one. People in every corner of the globe have been growing food, and hauling ass to get it here while it’s still fresh so that we can enjoy it together! Don’t worry about it, they get paid a modest salary for their efforts.
As you can imagine, all of the details and production of this extravaganza is going to cost me – dearly. I don’t say this to plant a guilt trip, I just want to set you up for the question I’m about to ask: would you mind pitching in a little cash to make this lunch a reality?
I was thinking around five bucks, is that doable? Depending on the options you choose from the menu I’ve described above – maybe ten bucks if you decide to get really crazy? I think that should cover it.
So, what do you think? Sound ludicrous? Actually, you could go to the most common fast-food restaurant in the world and find this exact scenario, right now.
Quite often, I think we forget to be grateful for little things that have become so commonplace in the 21st century. Just because something has become ‘normal’ does not disqualify it as a miracle. I implore you to stop and think about how your food gets from the earth to your mouth. It’s fast, fresh, delicious – and it’s SO inexpensive! What we’ve been able to accomplish as a society is truly miraculous.
So, the next time you feel compelled to complain about how your steak wasn’t cooked to your exact preferred temperature, or the potatoes are a little runny, or the ‘horrible’ service you received at the local restaurant because the hostess didn’t greet you with a smile, might I suggest a kinder alternative? I’m not suggesting you just always take what is given, and never go for what you want. I’m just suggesting that you recognize how amazing it is that the steak made it to you so conveniently and inexpensively and that you ask for the correction in a compassionate manner.
If you had to gather your food yourself, would it be as good, or as cheap in terms of currency OR time?
Please, join me in recognizing just how awesome we have it in this day and age, and join me in appreciating with immense gratitude, all of the processes that had to come together in order to enjoy this fine meal. Each and every day, we are all quite lucky.
Enjoy your lunch. 🙂